Well, NIGAG is a master of ass. I'm not shy to admit, I probably get more pussy than you get air with yo' wannabe macdaddy ass.
So with this entry I hope to enlighten a few of you out there, guys and lesbians alike.
I have a very special ritual that I perform before I hit a club.
By following the steps listed below, I am able to prep myself for a hot night out on the town, chasing split tail (and being chased).
I suggest that you too follow me by example:
1. There is no need to shower that is the first mistake that those that require the pussy make. The more "Human" you smell, the better.
2. Comb or brush the mullet, and your mono-brow. If you do not possess a mullet or a mono-brow, you must grow one, or borrow from a friend. It is IMPERITIVE that the mullet look nice, and is just a tad longer than shoulder length. The pussy digs the mullet, well most do. Those that do not dig the mullet must be taught to dig the mullet, either by force or by... well... force.
3. If you have a molestasche, trim it slightly, but if your nose hair runs into it, don't screw with it. Some pussies dig the nose hair molestaches.
4. As far as attire, find a great pair of tight Levi 501 jeans. You know, the kind that once you wear them, you can tell your religion instantly by one glance of the crotch, hiding the great mullet mushroom staff of ecstasy, (or destruction). Once you have acquired said Levi 501 Jeans, find your vintage pair of Reebok Pumps. If they don't pump up anymore, it doesn't matter, because it isn't your shoes that you're interested in pumping tonight. Be sure that you "Peg" your pants, and pull the tongue out nice and open on those pumps! Now you need to find a shirt. Dig deep, and find an old wife beater T. Put on that shirt, and over the top of that, find a nice looking button up short sleeve shirt. Toss that on, but DO NOT BUTTON IT UP.
4. Find your Twisted Sister Medallion necklace. You know the one with the fine .999 silver chain. Put that on. Hopefully you have a hairy chest.
5. Find your weight lifting gloves, you know, the kind without finger ends. Put those on, and look in a mirror. Say "Yeah, I'm going to get some hot pussy tonight." Because you are, you animal. Shit yes, you are.
6. Get in your 73 Nova, and speed your way over to a hot and happening' club. Especially if it has an 18 and older area. Pop in your Van Helen (not Van Hagar) tape, and ROLL!
7. Once you're in the club, tell yourself: "I own this bitch, I am the man, I am hot as hell, and I have a great mullet, molestasche, and great Mullet Mushroom Headed Staff of Terror."
8. Scan the club. Scan the dance floor. If you see a nice Pussy on the dance floor, go out and start dancing, slowly making your way over to it. Once you reach the Pussy, look at it, and try to smell it’s' hair. Take a big whiff, and tell her that she smells like she needs to take a ride in your nova. But don't tell her that it's a 73; tell her that it's a 69 SS (if there is such a thing). Then rub your ass on her, and every other pussy in the area, you are marking your pussy with your scent, and this is done to ward off potential other suitors.
9. Once you have marked the area with your scent, the ladies should be running. Hopefully in your direction. If not there are a few other things that you can do.
10. Tell pussy that you see at the bar that you're a butcher and that you play with big meat all day.
11. Tell pussy that you see at the bar that you're an astronaut, and you're going up in a space shuttle to land on a meteorite to plant nuclear explosives in it, to blow it up, so that it won't collide with earth. Tell her that she owes her your life, but you will settle for just getting some stank on your hangdown instead.
12. Tell pussy that you see at the bar that you are a gynecologist psychic and you need to inspect her hatchet wound for cancer. Tell her that you can smell her hatchet wound, it smells of death, and you need to exorcise the pussy, so that it doesn't smell of burnt toast.
13. Tell pussy that you see at the bar that you are a professional arm wrestler, and that you were a stunt double for Sly Stallone in the hit movie "Over the Top." Don't forget to tell her that Sly is really a big pussy, but not like the pussy that you would like to slide into with your mullet shaft of absolution.
14. Tell pussy that you see at the bar that you have a glass eye, and having a glass eye makes you more virile, and less fertile.
Any of the above steps may very well work for you. They work for me all the time. Usually right after I mark my area, I have to beat the pussy off with a severed baby arm that I keep in my back pocket, next to my comb.
Good luck in getting the pussy.
~ N I G A G ~